PISS COUNTING

 
I’ve never told anyone this before. It would seem kind of funny to most people, I guess. The fact is I count while I’m pissing and then I write down how long I’ve taken and what time it is. Do you realize we spend more than one whole day a year pissing?

Hah, the above paragraph is not me! It’s O’Toole, a character in Graham Greene’s novel Travels with my Aunt.

Quality Lit.

I appreciate O’Toole for his record keeping. My dad, too, kept good records, particularly on his health — his white-blood cell count. He had a rare blood disease (polycythemia vera). I imagine a lot of people keeps records on their health, like how much they weigh, or cholesterol, or whatever. They should.

I casually counted my piss times when I was young. Things were slow back then. Or fast. Now I’m more likely to count pees-per-night.

I bought a roll of 1961-D uncirculated pennies when they came out. I was anxious for the coins to increase in value. I thought they would, but they never did.

I had records. I kept the books.

I have an acquaintance — a novelist in Florida — who writes down most everything he does and occasionally publishes the results. He ran for president, as a write-in, a couple times just for the data.

I can tell you who lived in apartment 4 at 1409 Marlowe Avenue, Lakewood, Ohio, in 1965. Audrey Schubert. I just looked that up. That’s “source data,” to quote the late Richard Shatten, a Harvard-trained Cleveland urban planner. He couldn’t believe I had records on that sort of thing.

Some boys start out with baseball-card stats and go from there. (Do boys still collect baseball cards?) I sold my cards in 2007. Got $4,000. I regret the sale. I miss Tito Francona, for one thing. (I saved a few cards: Roger Maris, Rocco Colavito, Larry Doby, Pee Wee Reese, Ray Narleski.)

In Greene’s novel, O’Toole worked for the CIA and was traveling up the Paraguay River. He said, “Of course shipboard life isn’t quite average. There’s more drinking between meals, and beer keeps on repeating . . . I report the facts and any data – like the gins and the weather – that seem to have a bearing. It’s for others to draw the conclusions.”

Draw your conclusions. My conclusion is O’Toole was cool.