THINKING OF THINK TANKS

 
Because I run a bar mitzvah think tank, I get calls from DJs and party planners. I sit and think, and give advice. I’m also a “fellow” at the Hudson Institute in Washington. I have office space there, which I rarely use. Hudson Institute fellow. That has a nice ring to it, but no money. I often get calls from reporters about Jewish issues, like Israel, klezmer and American Jewry. Why do they call me? Because I deliver  punchy, down-home Midwest takes on the Mideast. Sometimes I have to stay up till 3 am for my live TV interviews. The interviewer says, “Please hang on, Mr. Stratton,” and I hang on and lose sleep — all for world Jewry.

But my livelihood is the bar mitzvah thing. I supply clients — mostly DJs, like I said — with explosives, lyrics and games. Some of my games are free, just to build web traffic. For instance, take my humiliation game; the bar mitzvah boy stands on the dance floor surrounded by searing sterno cans. The guests throw napkins at him.

My top-selling games are Twine Fun, Narcissism Express, Beach Sand Saturation, Toxic Candy and Trunk-like Bodies. I have Jewish-themed games, too. The kids wear bottle caps on their heads, and the last kid to lose his “yarmulke,” wins. Lots of body contact. But my Jewish games’ sales are off, maybe because of Netanyahu, which is Hebrew for Idon’tlikeJews. Maybe Obama will become prime minister in October and we’ll all start singing “Salaam” again. Od yavo shalom aleinu.

Back to reality . . . My best-selling game is Trash Floating in the Punch Bowl. We throw chicken bones, children’s books from the centerpieces, and lipstick-smeared plastic cups into the punch bowl. Kids reach in and fish for prizes. It’s ecological.

I strained my back at a gig once. Bingo, a new game — the Grandpa Shuffle. Kids walk around like oldsters and mutter creative Yiddish curses. It’s astonishing to see teenagers limp and spew “Zol er krenken un gedenken.” (Let him suffer and remember.)

I carry classic games, too: laughing gas, toilet slime kits, photo booths, giant inflatables and partisans.

My “fellow” think-tank buddies are some of my best customers.

“Fellow” Itchie Weinberger with his “Toilet Slime” kit.

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Yiddishe Cup plays two free concerts this month:

7:30 pm Thurs., Aug. 20, at the outdoor, covered Wain Pavilion at Park Synagogue, 27500 Shaker Blvd, Pepper Pipes, Ohio. Donations encouraged to Magen David Adom. Seating provided.

2:30 pm Sun, Aug. 30. Coventry PEACE Park, Cleveland Heights, Ohio. Free. Bring a chair or blanket. The concert is part of the Heights Music Hop.