SOME THOUGHTS ON THINK TANKS

 
I run a bar mitzvah think tank. I occasionally get calls from DJs and party planners about their concerns. I sit and think, usually in my office above my garage.

In addition to my bar mitzvah think tank, I’m a “fellow” at the Hudson Institute in Washington. I have office space there if I need it.

Hudson Institute fellow. That has a nice ring to it. But no money. I occasionally get calls from national media about Jewish issues, such as Israel, klezmer and American Jewry. Why call me? Because I can deliver a punchy, thirty-seconds-or-less, down-home, Midwest spin on the Mideast. Sometimes I stay up till 3 am for my live TV interviews. The interviewer says, “Please hang on,” and I hang on and lose sleep, all for world Jewry.

The real money is in the bar mitzvah field. I supply clients — mostly DJs, like I said — with explosives, lyrics and games. Some of my games are free, just to build web traffic. For instance, take my humiliation game; the bar mitzvah boy stands on the dance floor surrounded by searing sterno cans. The guests throw napkins at him.

My top-selling games are Twine Fun, Narcissism Express, Beach Sand Saturation, Toxic Candy and Trunk-like Bodies. I have Jewish-themed games, too. The kids wear bottle caps on their heads, and the last kid to lose his “yarmulke,” wins. Lots of body contact. But sales on that, and my other Jewish games, are off, maybe because of Netanyahu, which is another word for IhateJews. I hope somebody like Obama becomes prime minister in October and all the Jew-haters start singing “Salaam.” Od yavo shalom aleinu.

My best-selling game is Trash Floating in the Punch Bowl. We throw chicken bones, children’s books from the centerpieces, and lipstick-smeared plastic cups into the punch bowl. Kids reach in and fish for prizes. It’s ecological.

I strained my back at a gig once. Bingo, a new game — the Grandpa Shuffle. Kids walk around like oldsters and mutter creative Yiddish curses. It’s astonishing to see teenagers limp and spew “Zol er krenken un gedenken.” (Let him suffer and remember.)

I carry classic games, too: laughing gas, toilet slime kits, photo booths, giant inflatables and partisans.

My “fellow” high-brow think-tank buddies are some of my best customers.

One satisfied customer: “Fellow” Itchie Weinberger, with his “Toilet Slime” kit.

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Yiddishe Cup plays two free concerts this month:

7:30 pm Thurs., Aug. 20, at the outdoor, covered Wain Pavilion at Park Synagogue, 27500 Shaker Blvd, Pepper Pipes, Ohio. (Free. Donations encouraged to Magen David Adom.). Seating provided.

2:30 pm Sun, Aug. 30. Coventry PEACE Park, Cleveland Heights, Ohio. Free. Bring a chair or blanket. The concert is part of the Heights Music Hop.