CHILL
Why don’t columnists write about pet peeves anymore? That bugs me.
Why do nursing-home administrators insist on peppy tunes? Oldsters sometimes want to hear contemplative tunes.
Why do eyeglass adjusters have so much power over us? Did they all go to I.U.?
Why do “highly sensitive” people insist on telling us they’re bothered by the labels on their shirts? That’s irritating.
My wife took our electric toothbrush on her trip to Columbus. The electric toothbrush is a “permanent attachments to the dwelling,” ma’am.
What about those phone calls from my kids’ alma maters? I already give zero to my own alma mater.
When my computer messes up, why I do I feel like my arm broke? Why can’t I feel like a mosquito bit my ankle?
What about friends who grow arugula and offer you some? Why don’t they grow dates or figs?
Why do symphony-goers applaud wildly after every single piece? These people nap for 54 minutes during Mahler, then give the conductor multiple curtain calls. Applaud this!
Don’t get worked up over house address signs like “The Smith’s.”
I am worked up!
If you want to discuss cars, first ask: “Do you mind if I talk to you about cars?” Yes, I do mind.
Which is preferable: (1.) “He passed away” or (2.) “He passed.” Both stink. He passed what — Wendy’s?
Who’s nostalgic for mimeo machines? Somebody should be.
4 comments
Good rant, Bert. I always feel healthier after you complain.
a. I have a whole shrub with lots of unsprayed figs. Do you want them (don’t say I never offered you anything)?
b. Mimeograph machines smell good.
c. There’s a special place in Hell for anyone who commissions or creates a house sign adding an apostrophe before the “s.” Get that straight – a special place in Hell….
When I dumped a large cup of hot coffee on my PC keyboard in a Honlulu hotel room I felt as though my soul was leaving my body. And when a local computer repair guy said he’d saved my data I felt as though a doc had just told me “We got all the cancer.” Which doesn’t mean I long for the days of white-out and tangled typewriter ribbons.
Don’t get me started. P.S. I rant because I care.
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