I feel bad for the Cleveland Plain Dealer. The PD is understaffed and demoralized. But I feel worse for myself. I want my local news, in print, on the breakfast table every morning. (The paper is now home-delivered only four days a week.)
Yes, I’ve heard of the Internet and iPads. I’m not going that way with my papes!
When John Gilligan, an ex-Ohio governor, died, I read about it two days late. That’s not right; I should have gotten that news sooner.
I’m signing up for Pony Express.
The Wall Street Journal stopped coming to my house the same day the Plain Dealer died (August 5). All newspaper home-delivery got screwed up. A neighbor — nine houses away — still received the Wall Street Journal. I took hers. She didn’t need it! (She has a different delivery guy, apparently.)
My cousin George, a big sports fan, is in a newspaper funk too, because he can’t read the Plain Dealer sports pages daily with his morning coffee.
Everybody over 50, please repeat with me: “Screw Newhouse!” (Newhouse owns the PD.)
My son Ted delivered the Sun Press, a weekly. I was his sub. My dad delivered the Cleveland News. My grandfather delivered the Vilna Bugle (Shofar), maybe. My dad wouldn’t allow me to be a paperboy. He wanted me to enjoy life more than he did.
I enjoy papes. Where are my papes?
This is a fake profile. The complete fake-profiles series is here.
WHATEVER IT TAKES
I’ve played Perchik and Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof.
Sometimes I get calls from small-town theater troupes to discuss Jewish stuff, like Fiddler. They ask about yarmulkes and the breaking of the glass, and chair lifting.
I make up stuff. I’ve been to enough Jewish weddings to know the rabbis make up stuff too — particularly about the glass breaking. There are many reasons why the glass is broken. All bobe mayses (old wives’ tales).
When I’m not acting, I do a one-man variety show. I play a little guitar, hand drum, even harmonica, and I sing. I know some Yiddish. I use backing tracks.
Here’s a promo pic from my glory days. I use it sparingly, now that I’m 59 . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I should advertise in the back of Hadassah mag like Ruth Kaye and Caryn Bark. Who are they?
Who am I? I hear you. I live in Jersey and play the nursing home circuit in the tri-state region. And I work Florida in the winters.
I’ve played Tevye three times. I’ve also played the lead in Jesus Christ Superstar at summer stock in Ohio.
Whatever it takes.
L’shanah tova. (Happy New Year.)