<\/p>\n
At some bar mitzvahs, <\/strong><\/span>the teens are kept in a holding pen — a separate room — with a DJ, while the klezmer band plays in an adjacent room for the older people.<\/p>\n I prefer everybody in the same room, but I’m not in charge.\u00a0 A party planner is.<\/p>\n Reality: It’s rare to see a klez band in any <\/em>room at any<\/em> bar mitzvah. Klez is the Uncola and DJ is the cola — Coke, Pepsi and cocaine combined.<\/p>\n The good news: Klezmer attracts interesting customers.\u00a0 These clients don’t let their kids tell them what to do — entirely.\u00a0 These clients might want a Jewish theme for a party, as opposed to a ski theme.\u00a0 These clients might not like ear-splitting DJ music.\u00a0 These clients might not relish watching their kids perform simulated sex to rap.\u00a0 In other words, these clients are out-of-it professors, aeronautical engineers and musicians.<\/p>\n Musicians — as clients — <\/strong><\/span>love<\/span> <\/strong><\/span>to hire other musicians. \u00a0The problem is many musicians are broke.\u00a0 Luckily, some are married to doctors.\u00a0 We get these gigs.\u00a0 We always eat well there.\u00a0 That’s a big thing with musician clients — making sure the musicians eat well.<\/p>\n Hadassah sponsors Simchapalooza,<\/span> <\/span>a bar mitzvah fair, every year, where bar mitzvah moms go to the I-271 Marriott to check out DJs, balloon twisters, video guys and caterers.<\/p>\n I had a booth one year.\u00a0 I shouldn’t have. \u00a0\u00a0A herring-reeking klemzer guy up against Giant Inflatables.\u00a0 I lost.<\/p>\n The Bar Mitzvah King — DJ Terry Macklin — had about three tables at Simchapalooza.\u00a0 He was full-service: invitations, catering, canned music and photo booths.\u00a0 Everything except haftorah<\/em> tutoring.<\/p>\n Macklin drove a Jag.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n Then Terry got kind of old, so younger guys encroached on his coolness turf.\u00a0 Rock the House is the DJ company now.\u00a0 They aren’t black like Macklin, but they’re working on it.<\/p>\n There was another DJ, <\/span>Joey Gentile, who advertised “Mitzvah services” in the Cleveland Jewish News<\/em>.\u00a0 I sent that ad to Moment<\/em> — the national Jewish mag — for its spice box humor section, where Moment<\/em> regularly reprints media and signage faux pas, like “Easter Challah $3.99 Special.”\u00a0 Moment<\/em> adds a wry caption, such as, “So that’s what they ate at the Last Supper.”<\/p>\n My Joey Gentile mitzvah ad didn’t make it into Moment<\/em>. \u00a0\u00a0It should have, with the caption, “A gentile mitzvah. \u00a0No bar? \u00a0Not likely.”<\/p>\n A New York salesman<\/strong><\/span> from the Bar Mitzvah Guide<\/em> phoned me to buy an ad in his slick glossy, which his company distributed throughout the Midwest.\u00a0 The Bar Mitzvah Guide<\/em> carried ads for everything from bottle dancers to personalized chocolate bars.\u00a0 The salesman called me way too often.\u00a0 \u00a0Finally, I said, “I’ll place an ad, but I bet you won’t take it.”<\/p>\n He said, “Try me.”<\/p>\n I said, “I want the text to read ‘Yiddishe Cup. If the other ads here aren’t your bag, we are.'”<\/p>\n He took the ad.<\/p>\n