If you\u2019re a<\/strong><\/span> Cleveland Jewish man and have never been to The Schvitz, you are a disgrace.<\/p>\n Real Cleveland Jewish men will regularly malign you, impugning your Jewish bona fides.<\/p>\n The Schvitz is at East 116th Street and Luke Avenue, off Kinsman Road.\u00a0 (In a lousy neighborhood.)<\/p>\n The Schvitz<\/strong><\/span> has no sign.<\/p>\n Most people call it The Schvitz.\u00a0 It has photos of Mussolini, Dayan and Patton on the walls.\u00a0 That\u2019s it for decorations. (Plus a photo of\u00a0 Clint \u201cDirty Harry\u201d Eastwood by the kitchen, reports Mike Madorsky.)<\/p>\n There are<\/strong><\/span> three acceptable responses to \u201cHave you ever been to The Schvitz?”<\/p>\n a)\u00a0 I held my stag there.<\/p>\n b)\u00a0 I was there with my father.<\/p>\n c)\u00a0 My grandfather took me there.<\/p>\n The Big Five<\/strong><\/span> in Russian-Turkish–style schvitzes are in New York, Los Angeles, Detroit, Chicago and Cleveland.\u00a0 I got this list from Billy Buckholtz, the pleytse<\/em> guy at the Cleveland schvitz.\u00a0 Billy\u2019s grandfather was the original pleytse <\/em>guy.\u00a0 (Pleytse<\/em> is the rubdown, traditionally done with a broom of soaked oak leaves. \u00a0Billy uses a seaweed broom and horsehair brush.)<\/p>\n Cleveland’s schvitz isn\u2019t coed.\u00a0 Most of the other schvitzes are.\u00a0 The Detroit schvitz even used to have an orgy night.\u00a0 The Cleveland schvitz never went coed (aside from a short experiment in the 1970s) because the neighborhood is so bad.\u00a0 Why encourage women to come to Kinsman?<\/p>\n In The Schvitz\u2019s heyday, it catered to immigrant factory workers who dropped by after work \u201cto get the creosote off their skin, knock down a few shots and get a pleytse<\/em>,\u201d Billy said. \u201cThe immigrants didn\u2019t want to wait in line with their eight kids for the only bathtub at their house.\u201d \u00a0Billy told me all this at a Yiddishe Cup gig at an art gallery.\u00a0 Not at The Schvitz.<\/p>\n I\u2019m not crazy about steam.<\/p>\n I get<\/strong><\/span> periodic Schvitz invitations from the Brothers in Perspiration, an ad-hoc group of Cleveland Heights Jews.\u00a0 The email subject-line reads: \u201cHave a serious jones for the stench of sweat, mildew, steak, cigar, garlic?\u201d<\/p>\n That sounds good, except for the cigar, sweat, mildew and steam.<\/p>\n I\u2019m due back at The Schvitz.<\/p>\n My bona fides.\u00a0 My bona fides . . . THE SCHVITZ (THE PLAY)<\/strong><\/strong><\/big><\/big><\/p>\n The Schvitz<\/small> is a movie and a CD.\u00a0 Now it\u2019s a\u00a0 one-minute play . . . JIMMY, STAN<\/strong><\/span> AND KMETT are Cleveland cops at\u00a0The Schvitz.\u00a0 They are in the boom-boom room (gas-passing room), lying on cots.<\/p>\n JIMMY,<\/strong><\/span> wearing only an Italian good-luck horn pendant<\/em>:\u00a0 I used to work patrol with your son Pete in the Fifth.<\/p>\n STAN: That so?\u00a0 Where you now, Jimmy?<\/p>\n JIMMY: Downtown with homicide.<\/p>\n STAN:<\/strong><\/span> Pete is a meter maid in the Fourth.<\/p>\n JIMMY, pointing to another body<\/em>:\u00a0 This is Walter Kmett.\u00a0 He\u2019s with the detective bureau in the Third.<\/p>\n STAN: Did your father go to Latin?<\/p>\n KMETT:<\/strong><\/span> Collinwood.<\/p>\n STAN:<\/span>\u00a0I knew a\u00a0Kmett at Latin.<\/p>\n KMETT:\u00a0That\u2019s my uncle.<\/p>\n STAN,<\/strong><\/span> sitting up and looking around<\/em>:\u00a0 Is this cops-only night at The Schvitz?<\/p>\n JIMMY:\u00a0 Why? There are Jews here.\u00a0 A couple. \u00a0I\u2019m<\/em> Jewish.\u00a0 They circumcise you right on the spot here.\u00a0 You\u2019re next.<\/p>\n KMETT:\u00a0They should have did Hitler.<\/p>\n JIMMY:<\/strong><\/span>\u00a0Hitler was bad news.<\/p>\n KMETT:\u00a0There are others. Ahmadinejad.\u00a0 Nobody says nothing.<\/p>\n STAN:\u00a0The Israelis say \u201cfuck you.\u201d<\/p>\n BILLY THE <\/strong>PLEYTSE GUY<\/span><\/span> walks in, waving his brush<\/em>:\u00a0 <\/em>Step right up. Twenty dollars for goys, twenty-five for Jews.\u00a0 I can do everything your wife can — everything for the last twenty years.<\/p>\n KMETT: Really, Billy?\u00a0 My wife and I have something magical going on.<\/p>\n BILLY THE PLEYTSE GUY: Such as?<\/p>\n KMETT:\u00a0<\/strong><\/span>Tonight I\u2019m making her disappear.<\/p>\n BILLY THE PLEYTSE\u00a0GUY:\u00a0 What’s the admission charge?<\/p>\n KMETT:\u00a0 For you, twenty-five dollars.\u00a0 Where you been?<\/p>\n BILLY THE <\/strong>PLEYTSE GUY:<\/span><\/span>\u00a0 I just got back from LA.<\/p>\n KMETT:\u00a0Why there?<\/p>\n BILLY THE PLEYTSE GUY: My kids are out there.<\/p>\n KMETT:<\/strong><\/span> Nice.<\/p>\n BILLY THE PLEYTSE GUY: Not <\/em>nice.\u00a0 California is one vast shithole.\u00a0 Everybody\u2019s so casual there, it rubs off on the kids.\u00a0 What about you?<\/p>\n KMETT:\u00a0 I was down in Florida, visiting my dad.\u00a0 He\u00a0 sits on the toilet all day and reads about how to make a putt.\u00a0 That’s what they do down there.\u00a0 He got his pension — 66 percent.\u00a0 A shine tried to poke his eye out.<\/p>\n BILLY THE<\/strong><\/span> PLEYTSE GUY: Did you hear Ralph Friedman got 72 percent for a hangnail?<\/p>\n KMETT:\u00a0Ralph is a scumbag.\u00a0 A hangnail?<\/p>\n JIMMY: He\u2019s a slime bag.<\/p>\n KMETT:<\/strong><\/span>\u00a0He\u2019s the shit in the toilet.<\/p>\n BILLY THE PLEYTSE GUY:\u00a0 Ralph Friedman is my cousin.<\/p>\n KMETT: Your cousin?\u00a0 He\u2019s still a slime bag.<\/p>\n STAN:\u00a0<\/strong><\/span>Ralph is smart, I\u2019ll grant you that.\u00a0 He was the Einstein of\u00a0 S.I.U.<\/p>\n KMETT: He\u2019s a scumbag!<\/p>\n JIMMY:\u00a0Ralphy the Alkie.\u00a0 He sampled more booze than Eliot Ness.\u00a0 Ralphy could smell booze a mile away.<\/p>\n STAN:<\/strong><\/span> He\u2019s a goose.<\/p>\n BILLY THE PLEYSTE GUY:\u00a0 He\u2019s not<\/em> my cousin.<\/p>\n JIMMY: You schmuck, why’d you say he was your cousin? \u00a0 Where are the steaks?<\/p>\n KMETT:<\/strong><\/span>\u00a0It smells in here.<\/p>\n BILLY THE PLEYSTE GUY:\u00a0 That\u2019s garlic.<\/p>\n KMETT: That’s not garlic. This place is one vast shithole.<\/p>\n — I\u2019m dubious<\/span> of over-40-year-olds asking for money on Kickstarter.<\/span><\/p>\n My friend Mike got hit up by an old guy\/ friend who was trying to raise $100,000 for a sculpture project. Mike said to me, \u201cLet him get a job. What am I — his relative?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Under 40, you can play Kickstarter. Synth-player Jack Stratton and banjoist Rob Stenson are trying to raise $2,400 on Kickstarter. The young duo has 10 days left to reach its goal. They are more than halfway there, with $1243 and 70 backers. Kickstarter chose the Stenson-Stratton project as a pick-of-the-week. The project video (below) features Jack as a German.\u00a0 Kickstarter co-founder Yancey Strickler wrote, “These guys make the best\/weirdest projects.” \u00a0 (Helps if you’re under 40 — like Strickler and his Kickstarter crew — to fully appreciate the vid and work.) Watch the video, then click here<\/span><\/a> to donate. <\/span><\/p>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.yiddishecup.com\/blog\/home\/yiddis6\/public_html\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/03\/schvitzers1-225x300.jpg\" "\\"schvitzers\\"")
<\/a>The Schvitz\u2019s official name is the Mt. Pleasant Russian-Turkish Baths, which nobody uses.\u00a0 Some people call it the Bathhouse.\u00a0 Some people call it the Temple of the Holy Steam.\u00a0 (Attorney Harvey Kugelman does.\u00a0 Does anybody else?)<\/p>\n
\n—-
\nSIDE B<\/big><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n
\n<\/small><\/em><\/p>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.yiddishecup.com\/blog\/home\/yiddis6\/public_html\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/03\/schvitz-cots-300x262.jpg\" "\\"schvitz")
<\/a><\/p>\n
\n Ralph Solonitz’s\u00a0 illustrations, above, were in <\/em>The Forward\u00a0 print edition, 3\/16\/12, and online, 3\/7\/12.<\/em><\/small>
\n<\/em>
\n—– <\/strong><\/span><\/small>
\n Re: Kickstarter <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n
\n<\/span><\/p>\n
\n<\/span><\/p>\n
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