Real Music & Real Estate . . .

Yiddishe Cup’s bandleader, Bert Stratton, is Klezmer Guy.
 

He knows about the band biz and – check this out – the real estate biz too. So maybe he’s really Klezmer Landlord.
 

You may not care about the real estate biz. Hey, you may not care about the band biz.  (See you.)
 

This is a blog with a gamy twist. It features tenants with snakes and skunks, and musicians with smoked fish in their pockets.
 

Stratton is an occasional contributor to the New York Times, the Times of Israel, the Cleveland Plain Dealer and City Journal. He won two Hopwood Awards.


 
 

FECES HAPPENS

 

I offered my building manager $25 to clean up human excrement.

He countered with, “I’ll take $38.75.”

I said $40.

He stuck with $38.75. He said, “A good bottle of scotch is $38.75. Scotch malt whisky, my God in freaking heaven, the joy of it!  You get that burn down your throat.  I’ve been into scotch since I was eighteen.”

single-malt-bestThe feces was in the basement of an unlocked vacant store.  Why the trespassing crapper hadn’t use the toilet — which worked — was a mystery.  The store had been unlocked because we had a carpet crew coming in, but we didn’t know when.

The building manager thought the feces might be scat.  But it would have to be the Abominable Snowman.  There was a lot, and it was large.

I ran into the carpet foreman and asked if he had taken a dump in the basement.

Why not ask?  He was an odd guy.  For instance, nearly every time I saw him, he would make an off-key remark about Jews.  Jews are cheap, that was his favorite.  He told tenants, “Stratton won’t put anything good in because that costs money.”  I got rid of him a couple times.

But he did good work — and he was cheap — so I brought him back.

scrooge-owitz-2He said, “It’s Chanukah time. We’re best buds.  Can you pay me up front?”  He had no idea what he was talking about.  Pay him up front?  Best buds?  He said Scrooge was Jewish.  No, I said, Scrooge wasn’t Jewish.  He said I was a “Reformed Jew” who didn’t know what I was talking about.

I asked him to stop talking about Jews, but he couldn’t help himself.  He said his mother was Jewish.  I said, “Your Jewish mother lives in Parma?”

He repeated, “We’re best buds, Bert.  Come on, pay me. You know I’m going to do the job tomorrow.”

I didn’t pay him.  Feces happens.

But I did pay the building manager the $38.75.

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Please see the post below too.  It’s fresh.

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6 comments

1 Ellen { 12.08.10 at 3:44 pm }

Sort of the Jewish version of the ol’ “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.”

2 don friedman { 12.08.10 at 8:37 pm }

What a crappy subject! If you want to put pictures in our mind talk about krep…lach!

3 Alice { 12.08.10 at 9:56 pm }

This was your best blog ever!!! LOL stuff. Extreme absurdity.

4 Ursula { 12.08.10 at 10:35 pm }

Sorry, it didn’t move me. Not tonight.

5 Susan Greene { 12.09.10 at 8:47 am }

You have a lovely way of turning a landlord headache into a funny story and Ralphy’s drawing is a perfect illustration. It is a gift to look at life your way.

6 diddle { 12.09.10 at 1:46 pm }

hehehehe

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